I have two exams today and have to pick my classes for next semester. I really like economics so far, but the math is killing me. I never thought I would have to take calculus much less actually apply it. but, here I am, barreling into a college major that I decided on a whim. Because why? Because I wanted to know how money worked and I think I am maybe missing the point. Maybe I should just switch to sociology.
Nonetheless, I am feeling okay about my econ exam, it’s the business one I’m worried about. Last exam I felt ready and confident, I finished early and only missed like 2 questions… so I thought. I actually must have missed several because I only got an 84%. I know that sounds like “oh boo hoo, smart girl didn’t get an A for once in her life. How will she survive?” But, it really hit me. I’m supposed to be bright. Professors are supposed to notice me. They’re supposed to ask me to stay after class just because they’re so goddamn interested in what I have to say. Or at least, that’s how it has always been for me. But now, I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of 300, 400, 500 kids, but somehow I’m staying afloat. I know that some kid is on a boat, safe. I am not that kid. But I’m also not like the kids steadily sinking to the bottom. I’m a proficient swimmer, but the waves keeps taking me under. Nobody thinks I need help, and maybe I don’t.
I’ve always been the kid in the boat, untouchable. But, my boat has sunk and now I’m treading water trying my best to stay afloat and quickly getting tired.